I am writing this for myself. For no one but myself. Even though I am typing like others are going to read it, this is for me. I have to remind myself that things don’t have to always be perfect. This is is not a school project or a paper that is being graded. This is for me to write down what is going on in my brain because I need to know how to change.
I am completely lost. I have forgotten who I am. I have forgotten my interests, my passions, my morals, my personality; I have forgotten who I am. I look in the mirror and critique every inch of my body. I wonder if my face has always been shaped this way or if my eye brows are crooked or even if my skin is stretchy. The enemy is forcing me to believe I am changing and that there is little I can do to fix it. I wonder how in the world did I get to this point and when did I let these malicious, life sucking thoughts take away the confident, unique girl I used to be.
I currently am putting pieces together of how I got to this point. Was it my senior year of high school? Was it the summer going into my freshman year at Clemson? Was it when I got to Clemson? When did my thoughts and morals and character take a gigantic 180? But now I know. I figured it out. It is when I lost faith. I lost faith in someone who is MUCH MUCH bigger and better than me. God. My negativity and hopelessness did not all begin one random morning. My faith slowly developed to shrink every morning I woke up and did not think of how I was going to live like a christian. I know that seems cliche but it is the correct cliche thing to say. Not only did I want to live like a Christina but I stopped waking up thinking that I wanted to live like Madison. It was “I want to be like this person today” or ” I want to dress like this person today” or “I want to talk or act like this person today”. And even though I did not consciously say those sentences to myself, I believed in my mind that I was not going to live the day as Madison. The enemy got the best of me over time and over and over again I was hopelessly and unconsciously living as some different person each day. Acting like one person and dressing like another, not fulfilling my wishes of perfection for myself but others perfections. Now I am sitting here overwhelmed but also content and at peace with the progress I made tonight. I need to live with faith in God and faith in myself or I am going to be stripped completely from my true identity from the God who perfectly created me.
I need to remind myself that being confident in myself is such an amazing, positive mindset. God created every single unique part of our identity and when we are confident in who we are, we are confident and content with the person God created us to be. If you love yourself, you love God. and if you love God, you love yourself. Be confident in both and you will be satisfied.
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